Sharon's loneliness started when she was an infant watching her older brother get looks of disgust when he got attention by making a fuss. During infancy a preverbal part of our brain (the limbic system) store information with images and emotions. These images are mainly unconscious and thus difficult but not impossible to understand.
Sharon who had lived in Brazil, travelled the Amazon river, lived in the rain forest, told wonderful stories about her adventures. Still she thought she was boring and would stop her chatter the moment a person looked at all distracted. At first people would try to get her to continue, but it was so difficult they would give up. Sharon noticed them give up but disregarded the effort to hear more of the story.
I found myself fascinated with her experiences and angry at the effort to get her to talk. Sharon would say "You're paid to be interested. People at work find me boring."
I asked her how she knew they found her boring. "Oh, they ask me to tell them more, but they just keep working while I talk."
They can't be interested in your experiences and do their work too I inquired. "My mother would never let me get away with that. I had to stop everything and look her in the eye or she knew I was bored."
After hearing three different versions of the above story on three different days I was ready to help Sharon understand her loneliness at a deeper level. By collecting a number of versions I give some protection against imposing my ideas on Sharon. As Sharon explored her relationship with her mother she discovered a number of things. Sharon held back her own interests and paid attention to her mother's interests. Sharon did not know if her holding back resulted in her being boring to her mother or if her mother was self absorbed.
At first glance it seems like an easy problem to solve. Tell her mom some of her exciting experiences on the Amazon river. But she could not even tell me about those experiences. She needed to learn when I was bored and when Multiple Sclerosis was draining my energy. Then she had to learn when people at work were interested but also needed to get work done. Only when she could tell the difference between her beliefs and how others lived was she ready to tackle someone as important as her mother.
When Sharon returned to counseling after the first visit to her mom's home she reported that her mom showed no interest. I'm not willing to let one attempt determine a relationship as important as a parent-child relationship. Perhaps her mother was just caught in an old pattern. Before returning to her mother's home town Sharon learned how to confront being disregarded firmly and gently. This time her mother got angry with Sharon' "selfishness." By the third visit home it was clear that Sharon's mother had no energy or interest in Sharon.
Once it became clear that Sharon's mother did not care about Sharon's interests, experiences, or life goals, the constructive aspect of counseling could take place. Sharon learned to value her own interests, to associate with people who had similar interests, to talk with enthusiasm, to value herself. Slowly she learned that when she loved and valued herself she would find others who loved and valued her.
When problems start during infancy the person will probably need a counselor to tutor them through the steps of exploration and rebuilding self esteem.