When Alan started counseling he wanted to know why he lost jobs when he was doing a good job and why he was always picking people who made a fool of him. Alan seldom lasted much more than a year on a job even though he was always in the top quarter of sales. He was 29 and on his seventh job since graduating from college when he started counseling. A typical comment from a boss when he was being let go was "I appreciate your good sales record, but you just don't fit with the rest of our sales team." None of his former bosses would say anything more. A co-worker once told him that everyone thinks that he hates them. Alan did not understand what the worker meant.
The co-worker's comment made sense to me. It came during his third session with me and I did not know how Alan felt about me. Usually I know by the middle of the first session if there is a positive bond, with Alan I was still in the dark. There were no smiles, no "thank you," no "I understand," nothing to indicate how we were getting along. When I asked how his co-worker would know that he was appreciated Alan responded with "I show up" When I explored with Alan how his parents treated him he had only good things to say. Now I wanted examples.
"How did your parents show they cared?" I asked.
"They were always there for me."
"How? I asked.
"In the summertime when I wanted a cone they'd get me one."
"You always got what you wanted." I continued.
"Well, no. I liked chocolate but they would get me vanilla."
"Did you ever ask why?"
"They said that they were out of chocolate."
"How often did this happen?"
"Once or twice a week"
The above exchange began a slow and hurtful exploration that exposed a systematic lying by his parents. Alan began listening to what his parents said when he visited them as an adult. They would shade the truth. One time they told him his sister asked about him. Alan was so pleased he called his sister only to find out she had not talked with their parents for six months. They even tried to tell him he did not like chocolate ice cream as a kid. When Alan asked why they told these stories they replied that they did not want to raise a dumb kid.
Once Alan understood that his parents fooled him, he was ready to learn how to read people, to have his own opinions, and to express emotions. Alan's loneliness came from hiding his true self. He was lonely because he never shared his important thoughts or emotions. He was lonely because people did not know him.
Children believe people who are bigger or older unless the abuse is so severe that the lie is obvious. Eventually Alan remembered seeing other children get chocolate cones but he believed his parents when they told him the ice cream was not ready when they ordered his cone. Like most kids Alan was not able to see the small clues given by his parents that they were fooling him. As an adult he was able to learn to notice clues and was able to read co-workers better. As he became surer of his ability to read body signals he showed more of his emotions. People began to know him and his loneliness was reduced.