I have a friend who would argue with me about feelings.
"You can't make me feel," he'd claim. "My therapist taught me that and it's changed my life."
His tone was demeaning making his comment a slam at me for being a counselor who had different ideas from his therapist. I knew I could make him feel. I also knew that what his therapist taught him was to not obsess about feelings. His therapist was just using an inaccurate slogan from popular psychology in the 70's.
He was sun bathing one week end while we were camping at the river. I took the opportunity to light a silver salute about ten feet behind him. When it exploded he jumped to his feet yelling "You scared the daylights out of me."
With a smile I said, "I guess that settles the question about being able to make you feel."
Feelings can be started by our basic perceptions- what we see, hear, smell, taste, or touch. We see a person bleeding and feel sad or scared depending upon our history and the environment. We hear a loud bang and are startled or scared. We smell garbage and our nose wrinkles in disgust. We taste fresh baked plum kuchen and feel happy or satisfied or maybe guilty if we have a weight problem. Someone's fist touches our nose and we feel sad and then scared or angry depending on our personality and the situation we are in. With perceptions the feeling starts with something outside us which stimulates our personality and maybe our memory.
Being made to feel is part of an intricate survival system. The disgust we feel when we smell garbage kept our ancestors from eating food that was spoiled. The fear we feel when something unexpected happens is accompanied with an eye movement that scans the horizon. Researchers believe scanning the horizon is left over from when wild animals and strangers were a danger to life. Today we may find it annoying that a friend's nervous tapping makes us nervous, but our ancestors needed to be aware of a stranger's nervous habits in order to decide about possible danger.
Learning to identify sources outside us that bring on feelings is one step in gaining control of our emotions. To accomplish awareness requires paying attention to our perceptions and discovering the many feelings that emerge. If you have too many tasks to accomplish you may find it difficult to focus on your feelings. In our culture many people, not just my friend, are taught to ignore feelings. Men are especially taught to ignore feelings.
If you are overly stressed or have been taught to ignore your feeling you may need a mentor to help you learn about your feelings. A counselor who acts as your mentor will help you focus on the various causes of emotions. Some people have never learned to connect body sensations with names for feelings. Without a basic vocabulary for feelings it is difficult to identify your feelings. Not identifying stressful emotions can still be life threatening.